On. Or off.
October 24, 2009
One of the aspects of my personality that causes me the greatest discomfort is my tendency to extremes. I am either on or off. I don’t have a middle setting.
Examples:
- I can drink alcohol, enough to get mildly silly (about a glass and a half) but after that I just get sick. That hasn’t happened since I was a teenager, and for many many years I was teetotal.
- I had a period of a good five years where I did no exercise and ate crisps on the couch. Now, I rarely miss a day of asana practice, and walk about ten kilometres on top of that. On, or off.
- I am an incredibly loyal friend and will do anything for those I love. Until they betray me. Then, they may as well be dead to me. I am still working on this: I can forgive people who have hurt me, but seldom manage to include them in my life again.
- Again with relationships: if I love you, I really love you, in a slightly obsessive way. If I don’t, I probably don’t feel anything at all for you.
I wish I could be sort-of on, or have the door half-open, so to speak, and I have been working on a path of greater moderation for quite some time now, but I seem to be wired in an obsessive compulsive kind of way. The lovely Kerry suggested at my kinesiology session with her yesterday that it’s not necessarily a fault to be this way, but rather, part of my learning in this life. And, as she pointed out, even though I don’t know how to be other, the light of awareness brings change, the same as when we watch our breath.
Any thoughts? Suggestions?
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Oh my goodness. This sounds so like me I cannot tell you.
I don’t really have any advice except that I am working on it. I have come to terms that it is not a fault but just where I am in this lifetime. My mantra is “consistently mediocre”.
We can’t necessarily change who we are but being fully aware is the next best thing. Feel free to shout if you want to chat about it
I feel your pain girl. I tend to be very much the same way. I take on a new project and it consumes me until I’m burnt out and have to walk away for fear I drive myself crazy. And friendships…we’ll let’s just say I have a really hard time figuring out when an acquaintance is going to be a true soul mate or simply a pleasant human connection until I’m hurt and obsessing about the state of our relationship.
On one hand I love being about to be passionate about life and all the varied experiences in it. On the other, I wish I was better about finding some middle ground in it all.
I think that recognising you are like this is a great first step. So many people don’t have that self-knowledge. If you feel you really need / want to lessen this aspect of yourself, you can bring your awareness to this behaviour and challenge yourself on it. But, as others have said, you’ll probably always be like this to some extent and it’s not necessarily a bad thing!
Me, I’m the opposite. Absolutes scare the pants off me!
Am I right in guessing your zodiac sign would be either a fierce fire sign or a solid earth sign? I’m a fickle, wishy-washy Cancerian.
Hi Nadine..I am a lot like you in this, a ‘little bit obsessive’..but over the years I’ve learned ways of being more ‘balanced’ between the two extremes of whatever I am obsessing about. I think the key to finding this balance was, for me, the realisation that ON is really the other side of OFF, like looking in a mirror and seeing yourself – it is YOU but in reverse, the same but different. Like light and dark, joy and sorrow, chaos and calm – each needs the other in order to exist. Light is NOT Dark, Joy is NOT sorrow, Chaos is NOT calm. And right in the middle is truth, eternity, pure bliss. I found that when I was able to embrace both extremes I found my life settled into a state of flow and ease that I hadn’t felt before. It’s a state of non-judgement, oneness and open-minded understanding – it’s hard to put into words, perhaps because words by their very nature are labels/ judgements/ conditions…and the state where we find peace and bliss is one of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Hope this helps somehow.
xox
Oh, Kathleen, this REALLY helps!
You have just articulated exactly what I was trying to express a desire for. On one level, I KNOW this, but I don’t always feel that knowledge, you know?
If you don’t mind, I am going to post your comment as part of my Happy List, going up now.
xo Nadine
I’m so pleased that made sense Nadine and you’re welcome to use it on your List
Finding that state of balance is a daily challenge as life throws us its ‘curved balls’. I haven’t yet mastered exactly how to maintain it but when I do I’ll definitely let you know
Thanks for your great blog!
xox
Oh lovely – I think we all have certain issues or lessons that keep coming back to us in different forms. It sometimes feels a bit frustrating – just wrote about that on my blog too!!!